Golden Retarded

When I received a call from Invisible Fence about a big photo shoot on April 17, we were particularly excited because that was the same day a movie we had worked on called "That Evening Sun" was premiering in Knoxville, close to the location of the photo shoot. It was a perfect coincidence and we were really looking forward to a full day of dog work and then some entertainment.

With over 10 dogs, several cats and a bunch of kids, we started the day with some fantastic performances by our cats Trip and Blue Tooth along with Monarch the Papillon, Skeeter the Blue Merle Aussie cross and a host of other fine animals. Both Carol and our daughter Devon were chosen as models for the shoot and the day was going almost flawlessly. Since there was so much to do, everything was scheduled down to the minute and we were supposed to be done by 5 PM which would give us just enough time to get to the theater for the premier.

Well...as the old saying goes, "Man plans and the gods laugh."

The big joke was on us and came in the form of a Golden Retriever. I had a choice of several dogs but decided to call on a woman, who will remain nameless, that I had hired in the past because of her beautiful dogs which are of Westminster quality. I explained the job, sent out our pre-shoot instructions of what was required and received a confirmation from everyone who was going to attend the shoot. I was confident we had a winning team of dogs and handlers.

Shortly after lunch, we got to the scene with the Golden. At the time, I was busy putting a dog back in the trailer and Carol began the wrangling for that particular set-up. When I returned, Carol gave me an exasperated look. The Golden was not holding still. Evidently, he had no training other than what was required for the breed ring (which is next to nothing). Carol and the owner had tried a stand stay, a sit stay and a down stay and the dog wasn't having any of it. The owner wasn't helping the issue by continually calling the dog's name and tossing food on the ground in front of him. We quickly put an end to the owner's participation but the damage was done and, at this point, the Golden couldn't hold still for more than 1/2 a second.

Now this wasn't our first rodeo and we had run into this issue before. Since there wasn't time to train this dog on the spot, we resorted to what we call a "crab trap." A crab trap is a light piece of coated wire with a small snap on either end which we attach to the collar and then stake to the ground in such a way that you can't see it and holds the dog in the proper position. We prefer to have a trained dog that will hold a stay of its own accord, but this device has worked on numerous occasions and has facilitated what could have been near-impossible. I ran to the trailer to fetch the gear we needed.

Without wasting a minute, we rigged the crab trap. I don't know why but the owner got all excited again and began her baiting and calling his name. I think her intentions were good but her timing and her technique were just bad enough to motivate the dog to break no less than two crab traps in the short period of time we had left for this set-up. Having broken free, the Golden was now sure that the crab traps were flawed and could be overcome. In the end, they got the shot they needed but none of us felt that we had gotten the best out of the dog.

We went back to work and plowed through the rest of the day without fault. We had a great Yorkie, a fantastic Great Dane, a stunning Weimeraner and a nice French Bulldog. They all performed like pros. Then came the final shot of the day and wouldn't you know it, it was with the Golden again.

I have to admit to being somewhat complicit in this debacle because I had really wanted to use this woman's dogs. I could have chosen several others we have at our disposal but these guys have great heads and beautiful confirmation. I pumped this woman up about the job and I guess she really didn't listen to me when I had described what behaviors we needed nor did she read the pre-shoot email we sent out which spelled it all out. Maybe she did read it but thought her dogs were exempt because of their beauty. Isn't that always how it works? I am seriously tempted to tell a blond joke at this point but I will refrain because I have too many sharp blond friends.

At any rate, we went straight to the crab traps again. We only needed him to hold still for 2 seconds. This, unfortunately, was two seconds too long and, as a result, this set-up ended up being the longest shot of the day. So long, in fact, that we ended very late and missed the premier of "That Evening Sun."


Now don't get me wrong, I love dogs, all dogs...even the seemingly dumb ones. This poor dog had no clue and it was obvious he had never been challenged to learn anything his entire life. I heard the owner say that she had ten dogs at home. For her, I'm fairly certain that meant she had ten dogs in the kennel and that they were being kept for show and breeding, taught to be groomed, walk on a lead and stack in the show ring for examination by a judge. Being under control off lead and holding still at his handlers bidding was not in his vocabulary and I believe the owner knew this but ignored the details thinking the dog's beauty would make up for the lack of performance. This dog wasn't dumb, he just didn't know any better. But the owner did know better and that earned her the title of Golden Retarded.